The best jokes (31 to 45)

God's Other Name

Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.

"Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Kia vs Rolls-Royce

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."

The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."

Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"

The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!"

Bastille Day Joke

14 July is Bastille Day! Have fun with this very Bastille Day joke!

It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.
Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"

The Headache Suit

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?” he asked.
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

Fetch A Nice Price

I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow and was told, "This is extremely rare. Do you know what it would fetch in good condition?"
"Dunno," I said. "A stick?"

Safe Sex

Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant...
This year I'm taking her with me!

Shark Meat

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
The slow swimmer.

One Minute Birthday

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.

Raised As An Only Child

I was raised as an only child.
That got on my brother’s nerves.

Great Presidents

George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.

Ineffective Pain Pills

"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're still here."

The Usual Question

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my text?"

Note from Mother

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read...
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him.
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”