A young pupil asked, "Master,
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate.""Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
Helmets, Pads, and Gloves
My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.
He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"
I said, "Where? Through a minefield?"
A Minister Smarter Than Einstein?
At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshippers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.”Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he though, the more the wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”Cannibals
One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals.
The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won’t kill you".
So the 3 people followed the orders which were to go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of your choice.
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person held his composure however then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". However as much as he tried to restrain himself the person burst into tears laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?"
The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."
Drinking buddies
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No . . . "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."
A mother and her young son wer...
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Donald Glover: Serious Black Candidate
When he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy! Pee in Church
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Lost at Sea?
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"
Number Jokes
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"
"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."