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Short jokes - funny one liners (1 to 40)Short funny jokes. These jokes are less 300 chars long, so easy to remember! These are the jokes listed 1 to 40. |
Working Out
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today...
That’s 7 years in a row now...
Debt Free
I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"
When We Were Kids
It was different when we were kids.
In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...
To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
Painting and Cooking
John, an avant-garde painter got married.
Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"
"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."
New Chemical Formula
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
Blame It On the Media
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.
Margin of Error
Here’s some advice... At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!
Why is Dad's Hair White?
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?
Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
Kid: Now I understand why grandpa’s hair is all white!
Parrot Talk
An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
I've Got One of Them
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
Going To A Nude Beach
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
I Want To Become A Politician
"Dad, I want to become a politician," said Jim.
His father asked, "And what are you doing to become one?"
"Nothing, dad."
"Good, you're halfway there then."
He Doesn't Know the Meaning
A football coached was asked about his star lineman.
The coach replied, "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his grades and there are a lot of words he doesn't know the meaning of!"
Money Deposit
A customer goes to the bank to make a deposit.
Teller: "Sorry sir. This $100 bill is a fake one. We cannot accept it."
Customer: "What's the big deal? I'm depositing it into my account, right?"
Pregnant Wife
Wife: "I'm pregnant...."
Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"
Wife: "No, no you’re not."
Love My Wife
To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring...
I had it engraved with the cost.
Reincarnation Seminar
Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar...
I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"
Dating Vs. Marriage
Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.
Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.
The Two Reasons Why
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.
They have no wife to go home to... or they do!
Good Candy
Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"
Road Hogged
Little Johnny: "Mom, Dad just backed out of the garage and ran over my bicycle!"
Mom: "Maybe in the future you shouldn't leave it on the front lawn."
Comfortably Seated
Jake: "I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortable seated."
Lily: "So what do you do?"
Jake: "I close my eyes."
The Accident That's About to Happen
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
I Need A Raise
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, "What companies?"
I replied, "Gas, water, and electricity."
The Prime Minister
When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.
It’s Trudeau.
The Forgotten Name
Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
Affording A New Mansion
How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?
By the skin of their teeth.
