Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 October 2021

When th

When the cops showed up at the Chinese restaurant after receiving a burglary call, they were shocked at the wonton destruction.

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Brother John entered the "Mona

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "
You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A Really Boring Person

You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.

Spell A Word To Get Into Heaven

A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition"

The man say "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"

A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Beware of dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

There were two guys working fo...

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Damon Wayans: Bicycle Cop

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And Im in my car, and he gets out -- hes sweating, hes got these little shorts on. You know how fast you were going? Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.

A fisherman returned to shore...

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than him. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.
The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

Three elderly men are taking a...

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

How Old?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

A man is driving with his wife...

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone.

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"

Getting a Cake

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"