Tolkien your language
Tolkien your language
The Good Thief
Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less than his wife.
A blonde gets an opportunity tA blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.
As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "Boeing! Boeing!! Boeing!!!" She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise.
Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.
She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!"
Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Pretty normalA woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."
The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."
"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."
Calculate the number 2040
Dane Cook: By a Round of ApplauseComedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, How you feeling? We always say that, By a round of applause, how do you feel? Right? By a round of applause, how you feeling? Its the only place in the world that you judge how youre feeling by a round of applause... Theres never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- Maam! Maam! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- shes not clapping!
Three Blonds On Death Row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
Santa is a WomanI hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
Business one-liners 65If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.