Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 21 July 2021
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 21 July 2021 |
The noisiest body of water is
The noisiest body of water is not a rushing rapid, but a plain old creek.Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
What I Love About Baseball
Do you know what I love most about baseball?
The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt...
And that's just in the hot dogs!
Speaking to her two daughters,
Speaking to her two daughters, a mother said, "When we get home you need to clean your bedrooms. Your grandmother is coming to visit us tonight and I want the whole house to look tidy."The younger daughter answered, "We will, Mommy. But isn't that kind of like, lying?"
Attitude toward whiskey...
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Every time Chuck Norris smiles...
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place
Im from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, Hey, whered you grow up? Im like, Long Island. And hes like, Loser. Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. Im like, Ive seen the ocean. Game over.Eugene Mirman: Good Father
I dont have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.5 Stages of Being Drunk
Stage 1 - SMARTThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
British top 20 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2020
The TV channel Gold’s eighth annual ranking, which is chosen by a panel chaired by the comedy critic Bruce Dessau, was put to 2,000 UK voters. Check out top 20 jokes.
1. Q: What is Dominic Cummings’ favourite Christmas song?
A: Driving Home for Christmas
2. Q: Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop?
A: Many of his workers have had to Elf isolate!
3. Q: Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem?
A: All Virgin flights were cancelled
4. Q: Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity
5. Q: Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown?
A: Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen
6. Q: Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto?
A: Because eventually, it's behind you
7. Q: Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
A: Because there was no Zoom at the inn
8. Q: Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
A: He doesn't know how many tiers it should have
9. Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread
10. Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone
11. Q: How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly?
A: Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail
12. Q: Why won't Santa lose any presents this year?
A: He's downloaded Sack and Trace
13. Q: How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas?
A: It'll take ages to flatten the curve
14. Q: How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year?
A: Fine. No sweat
15. Q: Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials?
A: Because they only wanted guinea pigs
16. Q: Which government scheme supports Christmas dinner?
A: Eat Sprout To Help Out
17. Q: How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party?
A: Put him on mute
18. Q: How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
A: He keeps a logbook
19. Q: Who dresses in red and gives to the children this Christmas?
A: Marcus Rashford
20. Q: Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem?
A: Because they couldn't book a home delivery
Blocked and unfriended
Being blocked and unfriended by some people is like the trash taking itself out.A man is at work one day when...
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."