Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 May 2021

Where's My Drink

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The world's fastest runner."

Two wives were airing their tr

Two wives were airing their troubles.
"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first. "My husband and I just don't get along."
"Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?" asked the second.
"I would if I could catch him at it," replied the first.

Thirsty

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

A woman was sure that her husb...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.

A Saudi Prince went to Germany...

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

Rosary and Two Martinis

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Ecumenical Greenbacks

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.

Betty, the town gossip and sel...

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

Julian McCullough: List of Priorities

I dont have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out Id rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.

An American, traveling on a tr...

An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer.
While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, then arose... and threw the lawyer out the window.

Sudden Wind Storm

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.

Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"

"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"

A Scotsman, American, and an I...

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Two attorneys went into a dine...

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.