Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 October 2021

NED: Wh

NED: Why don't you like the official web sites for any cities in France?
ED: Because – they're the epitome of e-ville.

Big Night Out

Paddy is smashing a few at the local until everything is forgotten. The bartender who is also a family friend continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.

He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?"

To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".

The train was about to pull ou

The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time.
A fellow passenger looked at him and said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."
The young man took a deep breath and replied, "I missed this train at the last station."

Farm Work is Fard

Little Johnny: “Having a farm is really hard work.”
Billy: “It’s an ant farm Johnny, all you have to do is supervise.”

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

A young man couldn’t decide which girl to marry. He liked one girl, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend. “Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.”The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window.It said: AVE MARIA

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Chuck Norris does not beg to d...

Chuck Norris does not beg to differ. Differ begs to Chuck Norris.

Little Nancy was in the garden...

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

Second Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...

This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot?

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Dangerous food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,

"Wedding cake."

Independence Day Jokes

July 4th is Independence Day (US National Holiday)! Find jokes about it!

Why do Bigelow employees like the Fourth of July so much?
They love to celebrate liber-tea!

What is red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam when he takes a tumble down the stairs.

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the New York harbor?
It can’t sit.

What do you call a duck who says ‘bang’?
A firequacker.

Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up!

What was the popular dance in 1776?
The indepen-dance.

Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette

What did one flag say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved!

Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?
No, it was written in ink!

What happens when you cross a stegosaurus with a firework?
Dino-myte!

What did the ghost say on the Fourth of July?
Red, white and boo.

What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-old pizza.

Who was the dog that announced, “The British are coming”?
Paw Revere.

Who doesn’t get a day of July 4?
Fire – fire works.

What’s red, white, blue and green?
A seasick Uncle Sam.

What has feathers, webbed feet, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
The duck-laration of happiness.

What happens if you cross a Declaration signer and a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo

What is the best sport to play on the Fourth of July?
Flag football.

Where is the capital in Washington, D.C.?
At the beginning.

What do you call a snowman on the Fourth of July?
A puddle.

What do you call a patriotic cartoonist?
A Yankee Doodler.

Why are there no Fourth of July knock-knock jokes?
Because freedom rings.

What’s the difference between George Washington and a duck?
One of them has their face on a bill and the other one has a bill on their face.

Where did George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

What did the tourists say when they left the Statute of Liberty?
Keep in torch!

What do ducks love about the Fourth of July?
Firequackers.

What do firecrackers eat at the movies?
Pop-corners.

Why couldn’t George Washington sleep at night?
Because he couldn’t lie.

What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say on Independence Day?
May the fourth be with you!

What did the little firecracker say to the big one?
“Hi, Pop!”

What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.

What do you call a Fourth of July accident at Mount Rushmore?
A monumental disaster.

What is the most patriotic dog breed?
Yankee Poodles

What was Uncle Sam’s favorite snack?
Fire crackers.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.

Why can’t you skip out on the Fourth of July barbecue?
It would be a missed-steak.

What do an American flag and a sad candy cane have in common?
They’re both red, white and blue

What did the revolutionaries wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.

What did the firework seller say to his colleague on July 4?
Business is booming!

Did you hear about the angry firework?
He was so mad, he exploded!

Why did Paul Revere ride to Lexington on his horse?
Well, the horse was too heavy to carry.

What’s a firework’s favorite song?
“Pop it Like it’s Hot.”

What do fireworks eat when it’s hot out?
Popsicles!

Who is the least guilty president?
Lincoln – he’s in a cent!

Which Founding Father is a puppy’s favorite?
Bone Franklin.

What has four legs, a shiny nose and fought for England?
Rudolph the Redcoat Reindeer.

Whose favorite lyric in "The Star Spangled Banner" is “Oh say can you see”?
An optometrist!

How do Americans spend their Fourth of July weekend?
Getting stuck in traffic.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
(Just like how the British turned red when they saw the Americans dressing up as independent!)

#independenceday

A doctor examining a woman who...

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

A farmer walked into a bar and...

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.