Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 August 2021

Are mannaquins bread Are mannaquins bread for show?

#joke #short

Wayne was returning home from

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."
"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"
Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver's face softened...
"Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

Country Living

Muggins: "Yes, I'm living out in the country now. It certainly has it inconveniences."
Buggins: "What do you miss most?"
Muggins: "The last train home at night."

A mother's advice...

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"

"He has all the virtues I disl

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

I Guess It Works

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."    

Too Much Time at the

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be.

Girlfriend to wife

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Mr I N Distress

Dear I N Distress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD

-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,

Tech Support.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

That podiatrist is v...

“That podiatrist is very sneaky. Give him an arch, he will take a foot.”

Driving Me Out of my Mind

Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."

For everyone who has ever had...

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Flying On A Bad Airline

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!