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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 August 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 August 2022

What the maestro said when the

What the maestro said when the orchestra player sneezed: “Bassoonteit!”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Holy Water

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?
Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (13)

SLIDESHOW #18 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Jesus Walks Into a Hotel

Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps three nails down on the counter, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”-
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 2.76/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (33)

A man went to his lawyer and t...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 30 January 2017
  • Currently 8.59/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (61)

Clocks in heaven....

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 August 2016
  • Currently 4.19/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (21)

Church Bell

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.
"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.       

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 April 2015
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

3 little boys

Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first

little black boy says, "What would you do with a million

dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac

over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink

Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy

asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy

replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked

"why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of

hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 August 2011
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (118)

Mark Gross: Can You Help?

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 August 2011
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (57)

The maids revenge

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 August 2010
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (54)

The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.      

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 August 2016
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (51)

You might be a redneck if 28

You might be a redneck if...

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 August 2010
  • Currently 5.64/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (39)

Mice and Light Bulbs

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, if they're small enough.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 March 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

When I was married, my wife us...

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 September 2008
  • Currently 7.45/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (49)

Lost boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 January 2017
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Top 20 UK Christmas jokes of 2021

Annual UKTV channel Gold poll. 2000 Brits voted their favourite festive gags, these are top 20.

20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game?
A: Guess Who.

19. Q: What pantomime are the government doing this year?
A: Chris Whittington.

18. Q: Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas?
A: She has snow authority.

17. Q: Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning?
A: He'll still have no presence.

16. Q: Which 'Friends' character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app?
A: Chandler Ping.

15. Q: Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have?
A: The Wiser Jab.

14. Q: Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner?
A: They know she's unlikely to drop a set.

13. Q: Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents?
A: She had him up against a wall.

12. Q: Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas?
A: Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.

11. Q: Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson?
A: He keeps going back on his word.

10. Q: Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas?
A: They're Squids in.

9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?
A: Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.

8. Q: Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers?
A: It was just two deer.

7. Q: Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate?
A: It failed the lateral glow test.

6. Q: Which vaccine did Father Christmas get?
A: Mince Pfizer.

5. Q: Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner?
A: Aunty Vaxxer.

4. Q: What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song?
A: Walking off on air.

3. Q: Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas?
A: They all want space.

2. Q: Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year?
A: Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.

1. Q: Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas?
A: The cost of gas is too high.

#joke #christmas #december
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 December 2021
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

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