Jokes of the day for Sunday, 12 September 2021

I'd like to build a barn

I'd like to build a barn over Christmas, if I can find space in my shed-yule.

Getting a Cake

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Bit Harsh I Thought

"Push harder!" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"I hate you, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

This guy walks into the local

This guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.
"What's with the long face Joe?" asked the guy.
Joe responds, "My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!"
"Well," said the friend, "That's not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely."

Golf and Skydiving

What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer says "whack....DAMN!" and a skydiver says " Damn ..... WHACK!!"

On that fateful day, Davy Croc

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.
Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Try To Explain Women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used

Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms.

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

Donald Glover: We Get It

Its kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybodys like, Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it. Its just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that its kind of redundant. I dont go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?

Even when the man is listening what wife liked for her birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

• Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
• You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
• Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
• Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
• If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
• How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
• Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
• I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
• I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
• Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
• What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
• What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
• What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
• What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
• What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
• Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
• Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
• Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
• Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
• Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
• It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
• Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
• I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
• Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
• My job is secure. No one else needs it.
• It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
• Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
• What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
• Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
• What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
• My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
• I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
• Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
• Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
• Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
• I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
• I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
• What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
• What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
• Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
• Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
• When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
• The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
• The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
• Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
• Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
• Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
• What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
• Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
• What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
• I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
• The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
• Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
• Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
• What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
• I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.

Letter From a Farm Kid at Camp Pendleton, Marine Corps Recruit Training

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Tammy Bethann