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Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 April 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 April 2021

"I have good news and bad news

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Product Return

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like everyone else!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

SLIDESHOW #9 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Cinderella...

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 April 2015
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

Married 25 years, I took a loo...

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 April 2015
  • Currently 9.33/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (21)

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 April 2010
  • Currently 6.98/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (49)

Kevin Hart: No Longer Safe

Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. Thats scary as hell because thats her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 April 2010
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (46)

A Doctor while examining a...

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
With a long pause the vet replies: "1955 I believe."
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 April 2019
  • Currently 8.81/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (42)

Answering Machine Message 24


Computer generated voices:
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 April 2010
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (41)

Happy Friday Everyone!

Happy Friday Everyone!
#joke #short #friday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 June 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

My memory

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 19 January 2017
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (23)

Racism isn't born

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

Denis Leary (August 18 1957-)

Picture: Larry Busacca/Getty Images

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 April 2015
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Who takes care of the farm ...

Q. Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick?
A. The pharmacist!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 October 2012
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (10)

Top 10 Funny Summer Quotes

DespicableMeMinions.org share with her visitors best 10 funny summer quotes. This funny quotes will add humor to your conversations while you're enjoying summer.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 August 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Types of Bears

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite Park in the United States. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said he would like to camp outside in the woods. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we havewn't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.

Joke found on crazymady.com, posted on August 2010

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 July 2019
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

A perfect shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting your wife from here."

Found on http://www.annualpartee.com/humor.shtml - Golf Jokes and Cartoons web site, posted on April 2005.

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 August 2019
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

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