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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 February 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 23 February 2021

Why Put Up A Fight?

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight. Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug asked, "Why did you put up such a fight?"
To which the man promptly replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe."

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

One word a year

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.
So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 October 2015
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

SLIDESHOW #124 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Silver lining...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin ..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!

All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"

He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 March 2015
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 February 2017
  • Currently 8.85/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (59)

Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires

The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 February 2012
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (59)

Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 February 2009
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (44)

Pete Holmes: Employee Discount

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 February 2010
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (37)

scarf

Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 February 2013
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (36)

Some call it stalking

Some call it stalking. I call it collecting evidence.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 November 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDER...

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 July 2017
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

I had a joke about a...

“I had a joke about a cake, but it's stale.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 March 2018
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 February 2017
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (16)

What's the tallest...

What's the tallest building in the city?
- The library because it's so many stories high!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 April 2015
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

There’s a light inside of everyone

There’s a light inside of everyone. No matter what, someone is always going to come around and try to dim that light or shut it off. Whatever you do, you hold on to that light and you fight. You fight to not let that person tear you down, you fight for the right to define yourself, to not let anyone else tell you who you are. You gotta keep your head up, because people will always hang around waiting for you to fall, for the light to shut off. Don’t ever let someone fade the light that makes you beautiful. Because in the end, you’re the one who controls how brightly you shine.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 June 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 May 2014
  • Currently 7.89/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (9)

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